First Dates
I used to love first dates. Excited by the prospect of accidental hand brushes and longing looks, I daydreamed about meeting my perfect match and having us fall in love over a romantic dinner. I blame early 2000’s rom coms almost entirely for my high expectations on the matter. Problematic as they were (I’ve watched them all as an adult and have some complaints) they sure did seem like the dream at the time.
Although, as I’m writing this, I’ve come to wonder if any of the rom coms I consumed in horrific quantities even had the main characters going on dates. I think about all of the tropes that I love. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, fake dating, text chatting with the high school quarterback who secretly wants to be a poet. There is never really a first date. It’s always just two people denying their feelings for each other for 90 minutes and then a very dramatic kiss at the end. And I think I have decided that that is exactly what I want. No first date. No awkward meetings or “what are you looking for?” conversations. I want tension you can cut with a knife and a build up that lasts until I simply cannot handle it anymore and my emotions burst out like the water from Aphrodite’s fountain in Mamma Mia. And I know what you are thinking. “Isobel, that stuff only happens in the movies. That’s not real life.” And to you I say, “I do not care.”
I would not say that I’m an avid dater. I have on occasion taken to the apps to find a lover (and by this I mean someone I’ll go out with once and then ghost - I’m not perfect okay let a girl live). And on even rarer occasions I will find someone out in the wild to go out with. It has unfortunately always been a “will you go out on a date with me?” situation and not a “I know we’ve been pretending to be boyfriend girlfriend but I’ve developed real feelings for you and would like to kiss you now on this pier covered in fairy lights and obviously you feel the same way and also completely secure in this relationship.”
I have, and I will likely mention this every three seconds, a bad case of the anxieties. My particular response to the worlds stimulus is to think myself into unspeakable amounts of pain. “Psychosomatic” as labelled by medical professionals, however I don’t love this word considering the taboo around the idea of ‘psycho.’ The pain I feel is real (and fucking painful, obviously), but I inflict it on myself, with my own mind. Yes, I am that powerful. “What has this got to do with first dates?’ you ask. Brilliant question. Do you know that feeling that you get before a first date? Nervous excitement. Butterflies, it is often referred to as. Well instead of butterflies I have bulldozers determined to destroy my body from the inside out. I won’t go into graphic details as I think it’s too early in our relationship for that, however I usually describe it as my insides trying to rip their way out of my body. It is not a pleasant feeling. That feeling is more than enough to get me to cancel a perfectly good date. Worst of all, if the date isn’t until the evening, which it usually is, I get to feel like that all day. Only when the date is finished (or, yes, cancelled) will my body start to return to it’s regular state of only mildly anxious.
Fortunately, I don’t feel anxious with my friends. I don’t feel anxious with the people I see every day. An easy solve here would be to date one of my friends. Sadly, none of them want me (truly devastating I know), which means that I will have to make new friends. But to make new friends I have to hang out with someone new for the first time. Which is kind of like… going on a first date. Ew.
All of this to say, contrary to what I said about three paragraphs above, I will continue to dip my toes in the dating pool. However, if someone extremely hot, with a great personality, a good sense of humour, and similar values to me would like to enter into a long-term fake relationship, you know where to find me.
The Tally
People Met: 10
Events Attended: 0
New Friends: 0
Dates: 2